It's Not You by Ramani Durvasula PhD

Author:Ramani Durvasula PhD [Durvasula, Ramani]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2024-02-20T00:00:00+00:00

Narcissistic relationships don’t just end neatly. Dynamics such as hoovering, smear campaigns, manipulation, guilt, and post-separation abuse mean that you have to manage the fallout of the narcissistic behavior whether you are still in the relationship or not. That’s why radical acceptance if you leave or end the relationship is a two-step process: First, you must accept the unchangeability of narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Second, you must accept the process that will unfold after you leave.

Narcissistic people do not like being left. They are highly sensitive to rejection, so as a result, if you leave, they may become punitive, vindictive, manipulative, and rageful. They also don’t like giving up control. Radical acceptance encompasses the awareness that this post-separation abuse will happen. Whenever I sit with a client who is in or is about to enter the process of a divorce from a narcissistic person, I warn them that this will get so bleak and abusive that they will doubt their decision. Some folks will share that the abuse got so much worse after a relationship ended that they almost wanted to go back in just to make it stop. This is why radical acceptance is so crucial—to end one of these relationships also means having your eyes open to what is about to happen, so you can prepare and not lose your resolve. Even with a moderately narcissistic person, the post-separation landscape is dismal. Radical acceptance is likely what pushed you to leave the relationship, so in some ways the bad behavior that may persist after the relationship ends should be reassuring, as it is confirmation of your perceptions and experience. But it certainly doesn’t feel that way while it is happening.

For some of us, the radical acceptance may not commence until we actually leave the relationship. This is particularly true if the narcissistic person is the one to end it. Radical acceptance becomes a critical tool for processing the aftermath of the relationship. Recognizing the patterns that were consistent both before and after the breakup and noting the narcissistic person’s post-breakup behavior—like quickly moving into a new relationship or ongoing harassment—can round out the picture and predictability of their narcissistic behavior.

Divorces or other relationship endings that require dividing assets or distributing money can protract the narcissistic abuse, and radical acceptance is critical to navigating these situations. The narcissistic person’s patterns will persist at least until the logistics are settled, and may even get worse if they can’t control the process and outcome the way they want. Many survivors of narcissistic relationships are stunned that, even years later, the narcissistic person still seems as angry and aggrieved as they were at the time of the breakup. Simply put, radical acceptance, done correctly, should fortify your resolute expectation that all of this would happen, even if it still feels stressful after all these years. However, the harm of post-separation abuse may magnify the fallout of narcissistic abuse that you are already experiencing.

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